


Devil's Work

by dustyfluorescent



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Eating Disorders, M/M, Non Consensual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-05
Updated: 2013-03-05
Packaged: 2017-12-04 08:30:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/708670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustyfluorescent/pseuds/dustyfluorescent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How Merlin and Arthur end up together and what happens next.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Devil's Work

**Author's Note:**

> It was going to be happy! I swear! It was supposed to be a happy cutesy fic about two uni boys and pizza and zombies and awkward first dates and fluff. And then this happened. If you've checked out the warnings you can probably guess that what happened was not what was planned. Like, at all. But I like this, and I hope you guys like it too! :) 
> 
> anyway / there’s no reason to get hurt / you don’t need to sell your shirt / to do the devil’s work  
> ([Miike Snow](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hFxG7EwzFk))

i

The complicated relationship of Merlin Emrys and Arthur Pendragon begins when Merlin’s friend Morgana invites him along to go to the cinema with a group of friends and Merlin meets her brother for the first time. They end up sitting next to each other and whispering and giggling all through the movie, and Merlin can’t remember much anything about the plot afterwards. He does not care in the slightest.

They go to the pub after, burgers and pints for five quid, and talk about the movie. Most of them do, anyway; Arthur and Merlin talk about whatever they disagree on, flinging insults at each other.

“You complete arse!” Merlin exclaims, eyes shining in delight.

“Pathetic loser,” Arthur laughs and looks at Merlin through his eyelashes when he takes a drink. Merlin’s legs turn a bit wobbly and he’s glad he’s sitting down or he might swoon. Arthur is so fucking beautiful and when he smiles he looks so fucking _cocky_ and then he looks down and he’s adorable and then he opens his mouth and he is the most annoying shithead to ever grace this planet. And Jesus Christ on a unicycle, does Merlin want to _show him_.

It’s the most fun Merlin’s had in ages. Cheeks flushed, he stumbles out of the pub to the chilly night and thinks about how amazing yet unfair it is that boys like Arthur exist.

On a morning lecture that he doesn’t much care about Merlin sneakily extracts the truth out of Lance - yes, Arthur is more or less homosexual and no, he’s currently not in a relationship. Merlin sits in his room for what feels like forever that night, thinking about what he should do. This is what he wanted to hear. And then there’s the thing that Arthur is very hot and kind of annoyingly lovely and absolutely definitely out of his league. But then again, he seemed interested enough. 

Wouldn’t be the first time Merlin would be wrong about something like this.

He plays Skyrim until he gets hungry. Then he watches porn until he’s not thinking about how hungry he is anymore. He never really feels like eating much when he’s having feelings about things. 

And then he goes on Facebook and Arthur has sent him a friend request. _Yes,_ he thinks to himself, grinning as he clicks through pictures of Arthur (topless, but that’s just a coincidence) on a holiday in Greece last summer, _let the shameless stalking commence_. 

He keeps the chat window open for two days, writing and deleting hundreds of greetings and messages. He stares at Arthur’s profile picture, strokes his hair with his cursor, and sighs a lot - because he is actually a fifteen-year-old girl. 

And then the chat window jumps to life, and Merlin very nearly has a heart attack.

**you know it says you’re typing, right?**

Merlin starts planning his ritual suicide.

**i’ve been waiting for you to say something for two days you know**

Merlin decides that he should probably postpone his ritual suicide until after he’s absolutely certain that things are never going to work out with Arthur, that he is a pathetic delusional idiot, and that he’s made a royal fool of himself.

**yeah?** he types, and instantly feels stupid.

**yeah. i was kind of hoping you’d ask me out tbh**

Well. This is a surprising turn of events.

**um, okay,** Merlin types when he realises Arthur is still waiting. Only he has no fucking clue how to ask a hot boy out. Also, he’s not really a date type person at all. He’d rather just play video games and eat pizza and fuck all day. Yeah, if only it were that easy.

**you are hot,** he types. **do you want to come over and watch zombie movies and play video games and make out?**

And then he laughs because yeah, right, and deletes it - except that’s totally not what he does at all because he accidentally presses enter instead. _Oh fuckfuckfuckingshit -_

**:DDD** , Arthur says, and the silence that follows is forever. With a heavy heart, Merlin starts planning his ritual suicide again. And then

**yeah, i’d like that**

After that Merlin doesn’t have enough living functioning brain cells left to plan an elaborate ritual suicide. Or tell Arthur that what he said wasn’t exactly intended for his ears. He squeals like a teenaged girl and probably generally sounds like a crazy person since Lance knocks on his door and asks him if he’s okay.

Merlin just beams and nods and his Facebook goes ding and Lance doesn’t look like he needs any further explanations.

**you’re kind of hot yourself you know :)**

 

ii

Arthur comes over on Tuesday (because hey, Domino’s Two for Tuesday is a good enough reason for anything really). It’s a bit awkward at first because Merlin is suddenly very aware that hey this is actually happening, and now they can’t just pretend they hate each other because it’s fairly clear at this point that the situation is pretty much exactly the opposite. 

“Haven’t missed your ugly mug,” Merlin says as a way of greeting, and Arthur’s face breaks into a magnificent grin. 

“Shut up, idiot.”

It’s kind of funny how that sets Merlin’s stomach fluttering.

Lance has kindly buggered off to Gwen’s so that Merlin and Arthur can have their overly romantic date type thing in peace. They decide they want to watch disgustingly hilarious splatter movies and zombie weirdness as long as they can make themselves concentrate on anything else but each other - which obviously isn’t said out loud but they both know that is the case. Every accidental and less accidental touch sends a burst of electricity running through Merlin. He keeps stealing glances at Arthur and then looking away like a blushing virgin when Arthur catches him doing it. The thing is, Arthur totally does the same thing. So maybe zombies and bloodshed are required to lighten up the mood. 

It works. Halfway through the first movie Merlin whispers _oh Arthur I’m so horribly scared_ against Arthur’s neck - and maybe accidentally licks it in the process - and then they laugh and then they kiss and Arthur sneaks his hand under Merlin’s shirt and then they don’t really know what happens in the rest of the movie except that there is a lot of strangely coloured blood splattering around and the Wilhelm scream is used at least seven times. 

They sleep curled up together and eat leftover pizza for breakfast. Arthur checks his Facebook on Merlin’s computer while Merlin brushes his teeth and looks at Arthur’s neck, lost in his thoughts. It’s all very adorable and kind of strange. Merlin doesn’t mind the strangeness. It’s the good kind.

Merlin doesn’t have anything on until his 2 pm tutorial, but Arthur has a lecture at 11. In a matter of seconds, their kiss-goodbye in the doorway turns from innocent to filthy to Merlin sucking Arthur off against the door and it’s brilliant and then Arthur says oh fuck the lecture and they get naked and it’s even better. 

Merlin goes to his tutorial but instead of learning something he ends up doodling Arthur’s name all over his notes like a teenager. Then he gets annoyed at himself and throws the paper away with a dreamy smile on his face.

He sends Arthur a text because he’s feeling reckless like that.

**i wanna fuck you like an animal xxx**

Arthur answers right away.

**fuck you. i miss your stupid face.**

**already? ;)**

They go to the cinema that Thursday. They end up leaving halfway through because Merlin doesn’t care about anything else but sex anymore. Sex, and now. Thanks.

Merlin and Arthur change their relationship status on Facebook three weeks after Pizza And Zombies Day.

 

iii

Everything is fine for a while. They have fun together, they have a _lot_ of sex - no, seriously, Merlin’s never been in a relationship that involves so much sex but they just can’t seem to keep their filthy paws to themselves. They spend a lot of time fighting over nothing and disagreeing on every tiny thing but actually they are quite similar. They do a lot of serious talking, too. Sometimes they just _are_ , both there because they need to be, not saying anything, not doing anything, just breathing. Existing. No pressure. 

Merlin is done. He’s never going to need to find anyone else, he could never find anyone better, and he’s sure of it. He would never admit it to anyone, though. Not to Arthur. That pompous arse would never get over himself.

So yeah, things are good for a while. Too good, when it makes you forget bad things exist. Merlin definitely forgets. And then three things happen and as a result, the bubble bursts.

1\. Arthur starts to freak out.

Arthur is not used to relationships. Arthur is especially not used to relationships that work. Arthur is not used to the idea of being loved, he is not used to the idea of being committed to anyone. Arthur doesn’t like the idea of important things that can be broken. 

Arthur gets anxious, and then he starts feeling guilty about feeling anxious because _he is perfect, we are perfect, what is wrong with me_ , and then he gets angry. At first it’s a himself, and then at Merlin because none of this would ever have happened if it wasn’t for Merlin. That stupid arrogant beautiful fucker. 

He starts drinking again which isn’t good because there is a reason why Arthur hasn’t been drinking much recently. He doesn’t sleep well, he can’t concentrate on anything. He stops going to uni. Fuck everything. He starts avoiding Merlin, and then turns up on his door with apologies on his lips and a heavy lump in his stomach, and they fuck like animals to the point where one of them starts screaming bloody murder and they fight and Merlin punches Arthur in the face and Arthur leaves and everything is crap, when did they ever think this would work?

And then there’s the time when Merlin doesn’t want to but Arthur does, he needs to, he _needs to_ or he’ll lose it, and it’s not until Merlin stops struggling that he realises what he’s doing, and his vision clears and his mind goes blank and he sees Merlin sprawled naked on the bed, bruised wrists and bruised neck and blood in the corner of his mouth, his eyes empty his jaw slack his cock flaccid Arthur’s come on the back of his thighs his arsehole fucked loose and Arthur realises what he’s done and stumbles away apologising and crying and runs away, gets drunk before his guilt reaches up with him. But who is he kidding. He’s already there.

2\. Arthur cheats.

Arthur gets drunk and goes out and fucks someone in the club’s toilets because he’s classy like that. Then he feels bad and throws up in a back alley _what have I done what have I done_. He sends Merlin a text at 3.07 am because he needs to get rid of the guilt; he sends Merlin a text although he knows it’s not going to help.

**i slept with someone else**

He sleeps on a park bench although it’s way too cold for such reckless activities but he is so drunk that he doesn’t even give a shit. He hates himself so much that to die there and then would be a blessing.

But eventually he wakes up, like thousands of people who don’t deserve to live wake up every morning, and when he wakes up there’s a text waiting.

**i don’t give a fuck**

Yeah.

3\. Merlin stops eating.

That’s how Merlin deals with emotional trauma, has done ever since he was eleven and his dad left and he stopped eating because he could, because his mum was too fucking broken to notice, he stopped eating until he passed out and ended up in the hospital for a week and in therapy for too-fucking-long. That’s how it’s been ever since. Whenever everything he’s feeling gets a bit too much to deal with he stops eating and starts sleeping a lot and watching violent movies with hot guys covered in blood. He doesn’t feel like food. He can’t be bothered. He isn’t hungry. He doesn’t care. 

It takes a while for Lance to notice. He’s been really busy with uni and his legendary love affair with Gwen and whatever. He stays at Gwen’s a lot - Arthur and Merlin have been fighting more than usual recently. He’s not sure which is more awkward, trying not to listen to the furious scary violent fighting that leaks through the walls and the music and how they all pretend it doesn’t happen, or trying not to listen to the furious scary violent fucking that follows. So he stays at Gwen’s. This is none of his business. Might as well spend some time with the missus.

And then he realises that even though he doesn’t actually even really live here anymore everything in the fridge except for a few beers is his, and that he hasn’t actually seen his flatmate for - how long, exactly?

Lance finds Merlin sleeping. Merlin should not be home sleeping. He should be in a history seminar. 

Lance can’t get Merlin to wake up. (It’s not like he’s dying or anything. It’s just that he’s really tired. He can’t open his eyes. He can’t really speak. He can’t move. Everything is really bright and he can’t see. And he can’t really breathe either. So okay, maybe he’s dying.)

Lance calls the ambulance.

Hospital.

Therapy.

And suddenly it’s been two months since Arthur’s text and Merlin’s reply and Merlin is sitting in a meeting with some important university people, the counsellor, and a doctor’s note, and they’re trying to decide what to do with him. They need to do something.

Merlin needs to do something.

 

iv

You’d think they were smart enough to stay away from each other from that point on. You’d be wrong.

They meet at the cafe bar by accident. By a mutual, wordless agreement they leave the building and go outside. We need to talk. We never talked. I love you and I’ve lost you now, I know I’ve lost you but we need to talk. 

The problem is that neither of them is much of a talker, and both of them are massive drama queens with oversized egos they don’t know what to do with. But sometimes, when you fuck up real bad and love someone so much that thinking about it takes your breath away, there is nothing else to do but talk.

“I’m sorry,” Arthur says, and he knows it’s not enough.

“I am too,” Merlin says. It’s not _I forgive you_. Arthur knows he will never hear those words. Some things are not to be forgiven.

“I miss you.”

“Did you know I was in the hospital?”

“No.”

“Well I was.”

Arthur doesn’t ask. He doesn’t want to know. Merlin doesn’t really want to tell either, so it’s fine. Or not fine, not as such, but yeah. It’s okay.

“I miss you too,” Merlin says quietly before Arthur has time to think about what to do next.

“I am so sorry. I was scared.”

“I know.”

“I don’t -”

“Yeah.”

They don’t know how to talk about things. They don’t know how to look each other in the eye. Merlin wraps his arms around Arthur and presses his face against his neck, inhales, and Arthur still smells like the lovely boy that made him weak in the knees from the moment he saw him; he still feels like that boy and nothing about him reminds him of the crazy impossible man _monster_ who raped him in his own bed. 

It’s the same person. Merlin can’t understand that. 

They go their separate ways. Talking is easier when you don’t need to look anyone in the eye. It’s still not easy but they can pretend it didn’t happen afterwards. They’re stupid like that.

Later that night, they do talk.

**i have never been more miserable in my life** , Arthur types.

Merlin doesn’t really know what to say to that.

**i know**

Because okay, he’s somewhat miserable too, and even though some of that misery is caused by Arthur most of it is because he’s not there now. That they are like this instead of what they were before. And obviously there is no going back to that, no matter what they decide.

For the rest of his life, Merlin will have a hard time falling asleep next to Arthur. That doesn’t mean it’s not what he wants. He thinks he might be ready to make a decision.

The wrong one.

I will not want to live without you. I don’t care what happens to me.


End file.
